I knew she was coming and
had met her a couple months
earlier. It was a different experience hearing her voice, and one that I will
cherish.
I knew this would be my last pregnancy boy or girl, this was
it. I am getting older and I want to be focused on raising my family now
instead of having babies. I was thrilled to know that I would end this
chapter in my life with a little girl.
My pregnancy with Charlotte was normal… very text book.
But at the same time it was so very different. I have never
had a baby while inside so aware of their surroundings. But she was.
She would kick a long to whenever Benji would
sing to her. She would squirm around so much when the boys were being loud
around me. And she would sit so quietly when ever Swim was crying and I was holding
him.
Once I was over my morning sickness, which thankfully is
only until 12 weeks, I felt really good.
I enjoyed this pregnancy, and other than minor discomforts everything
was fine.
My original due date was April 28, but I knew that I would go over. I knew
that She wasn't going to be born that day, and in fact when I did have
contractions on that day I pretty much ignored them. They were constant and
regular but I just knew that they would go away so even after 3 hours I just
carried on with my night.
We had made the sad decision to put our dog down on Tuesday the 29th, and I
needed to see my boys through that. I needed to make sure that they were ok and
that they were taken care of. I'm glad I was late because of that.
I went through out the rest of the week... and the next week... just doing
my job of being a mom. Holding my boys and enjoying just them. I was also
trying hard to enjoy these last moments of having her inside of me. I really
loved feeling her move and squirm. I held on to those moments.
I used the couple weeks that I had left to prepare myself. At night I would
practice breathing. During the day I would prepare my house. The cleaning that
needed to be done, and things made and bought were checked off.
I was in the clinic many times that last two weeks. I was checked... and
checked again to make sure she was safe and healthy. She was... she was just
snug and happy where she was at. I got many calls and texts from people
checking on me to make sure that I was doing ok. Being 2 weeks late is odd to
most people, but I was thankful for the extra time. I just needed it, I needed
to be ready.
The
boys were all hoping that she would be born on May 4th {*May the
fourth* be with you…. yes, we are Star Wars fans} but she had her own ideas.
As I was nearing 2 weeks past my due date, things were being
set in motion for my induction. It wasn’t really what I wanted, but being that
I was a VBAC there was protocol in place. I was hoping for a
birth like Swim,
and hoping she would come on her own, but I guess she needed a little nudging
to come.
May 8th we were up early to be at the hospital at
6:30. I got checked in and undressed and they monitored for a bit. I was ready,
I was mentally and physically ready. Being induced wasn’t ideal, but I was
excited that I was going to get to meet my baby girl.
Because I’m a VBAC and I was going t be induced the doctor
had to be at the hospital that day, physically in the building. Well, when the
induction was scheduled they double booked Dr. Wall. He was scheduled to be at
another hospital that morning so I was asked to wait.
It made for a fun impromptu morning. Steve and I went out to
breakfast and then we went to walk around Costco. We then took Benji and Swim up
to my brother and sister in law’s house for the time that I was in the
hospital. It was nice to have a little more time with her so close to me.
Finally at 3:00 the hospital called and said that Dr. Wall
was back and that I could come back to the hospital to start the
induction. Part of me just wanted to say
screw it, I’ll come back when she’s ready and I’m in labor on my own, but I’ve
was having days where she hardly moved and that was making me nervous. For my
sanity, she needed to come. I needed to have her in my arms seeing that she was
ok.
So, back to the hospital I went.
Once there I changed and got hooked up on the monitors and
waited….
My sister Erika came to take pictures for me, and my niece
who is thinking of becoming a midwife had never been to a birth before so she
came to mine, and of course Steve was there.
I’ve birthed without him present and
he truly is my rock when I am in labor.
First Dr. Wall came in and we talked about what was going to
happen. I was delivering with a midwife, but Dr. Wall was overseeing my
induction. My water was broken and the pictcon was started. I do have to say
how thankful I was that Dr. Wall was so willing to listen to me. I really
wanted a natural birth… already wasn’t getting that with the induction, but he
made sure that the pictcon was turned down really low so my body could work up
to labor.
When I had gone to the hospital that morning I was a little
nervous, but mostly calm. Having to leave and go back, my mental calmness was
shot. I was so panic-y. It was hard to concentrate on breathing through my
contractions. It was hard to focus. And on top of that… I had a horrible labor
and delivery nurse.
This nurse…. I hope she was just having an off day and not
normally so mean, because it was bad. Everyone in the room felt the tension
that she brought in. I had to be hooked up to everything and pretty much had to
stay in bed. I had to go to the bathroom so I unhooked myself from everything
and went into the bathroom, and sitting on the toilet felt good. My
contractions weren’t so hard on my body being in that position. I was there for
about 20 minutes and the nurse came back in and was mad that I wasn’t in bed.
She was mad that my bed was wet and I asked her to change my sheets, I was
leaking fluid from them breaking my water, and she was mad that my sister was
taking pictures. She was just not nice, and I think that really threw me as far
as being able to labor in a place where I felt safe.
I got back in bed. I was breathing and just feeling what was going on. I don’t mind being
in labor. I am amazed at what a woman’s body can do. Grow a baby and then when
the time comes to labor to help the baby come into the world.
After awhile the contractions started to get a bit stronger
and fortunately there was a shift change and the nurse that came in was so
nice! She saw how miserable I was on the bed and got a ball out of the closet
and unhooked me from everything and just stayed in the room with me. She and my midwife just
monitored Charlotte by hand so I was able to be up and around more.
As things got more intense I felt so frustrated. I wanted to
be at home laboring without being hooked up to everything. I wanted to feel
more like I did this on my own.
I was up and swaying and sitting on the ball and I was doing
ok, but then I started to get dizzy.
Being upright made me so dizzy so I laid down and then the contractions
were so intense. I tried to sit up again and I got so light headed that I laid
back down. It felt like a no win situation.
I cried because this was not what I wanted. This was not
what I had envisioned, this wasn’t how I wanted Charlotte to come into this
world. And yet here I was. Hooked up to so many things, unable to move how I
wanted, feeling so much pain, and the loss of focus and unable to control it.
I asked for an epidural.
I felt defeated.
Once the epidural kicked in and I was numb I felt so
relieved. I wasn’t dizzy anymore and I felt like I could catch my breath and I
was able t relax.
I think because I was able to relax, my body just opened up
and she came down. I felt her come down lower into my body. She was ready to
come.
I gave a couple hard pushes and I felt her move again. I am
thankful that the epidural was mild for me so I could feel more than what I
thought I was going to.
I was getting ready to push again and then it seemed like my
body just took over. They said I was pushing, I felt like I was breathing.
And then she was here.
A perfect little girl with a lot of dark brown hair.
Our darling little Charlotte came into the
world with a head full of hair and a body full of rolls. She was
here with me. This time I fought off the nurses who wanted to take her from me.
They wanted to weigh her and measure her, and put hats on her. I wanted to hold
her, and nurse her and love her. All of their stuff could wait. This was my
moment, and I didn’t want anyone to take that from me. I forced the world away
while she squirmed in my arms.
I looked around for Steve and he was there, just as he was
the whole time. We just looked at her and touched her soft skin. This little
perfect person was finally here.
The nurses finally did measure her and check her out. I kept
saying that she was a big baby, at least 9 pounds. The midwife, and even Steve
was sure this baby was going to be closer to 8 pounds. She was 9pounds 14
ounces, and was 20 inches long, she had rolls and was a cute fat baby.
After everything was done, after everyone had left and it
was just her and I, I laid in the dark with her and felt like our family was
complete.
We sat together and just let
our souls speak to each other.
This girl is special. She had come not only to complete our
family with the number of children we have but to complete our family with what
we are to learn. She will teach it to us.
In the quiet of the night she opened her eyes and looked at
me. Really looked at me, and a sweet little smile came. It was there and it was intentional. As quick as it was
there it was gone. But that sweet little smile bonded me to her.
He spirit is a strong one and she already knows so much. I
have so much to learn from her, and I will try my best to teach her.
This child, this sweet baby girl, in my arms completed me
as a mother.
