The unspoken truths

Congratulations!!! You are bringing home your bundle of joy! This new baby will light up your life in ways that you never knew were possible.

With all the "experts" out there telling you everything that you need to know about your new baby I'm going to tell you about the unspoken truths that really happen.

First of all... the only thing that this baby will get from it's parents are its looks. Believe it or not this little blob that you just brought home will grow into its own human. You can try to mold him into a something but ultimately this tiny person has his own personality. Get use to it. If you are super out going you will probably end up with a shy child. If you are so uncoordinated and can barely kick a ball, you'll get a super star athlete. It's just the way it is.

Next.... at some point you really will think your baby has been taken over by a demon. Weird noises will come from your child as well as all sorts of unnatural body fluids and there will be projectile vomiting. You'll swear that he was 12 feet from the wall and yet that is where all the vomit landed. It will pass. And your child will again be your precious little one. It's a right of passage for all new parents to try to figure out where the green stuff that is all over the baby actually came from.

Now well meaning people will tell you to sleep when the baby sleeps.... Two problems with that. If you have more than one child at home good luck with that. As soon as you get the baby to sleep and think you are going to lay down that's when the toddler will figure out how to unlock all 12 locks you have on your front door and escape. Or he will decided that he needs a bath and the toilet already has water in it. No... when you have extra kids at home {who would normally watch TV} with a new baby will all of a sudden need you every second that the baby is sleeping.... even if dad is home. And the other... If baby is the only one you'll think great he's sleeping I'm going to lay down.... Then with out fail every person and the dog will come to the door. You'll get packages, well meaning friends, a stray dog that keeps scratching. Face it sleeping when the baby sleeps is a ridiculous thought.

The term "Baby Proofing" is in my opinion a dumb thought. When have you ever seen a newborn launch himself out of someone's arms to put a knife in an electrical outlet??? Yeah... me neither. Toddler Proofing is a better term. By all means be safe, I'm not saying to leave open flames all over your house and hope that nothing happens. But be realistic in your expectations. If you don't get all the outlets covered and cupboards locked before baby comes home from the hospital it's ok. You'll have time to do that. Besides... all the baby proofing in your home that you do is more to irritate you than it is to keep the child safe. Kids... even little one are smarter than we give them credit for, they are the ones that can figure out the "Child Safety Locks" while we parents have to use a hammer to get things open.

Just don't dress the baby.... I mean in nice clothes any way. It's cute and all but really, the Baby Law states that "If I am in a nice outfit, especially something that is all white, hand made, or an antique I must have a massive blowout that requires a while box of wipes and an bath for both me and the person changing me." I'm serious leave a baby in a onesie or just a sleeper. Nice outfit means poop for days! If you are going to do pictures "try" to trick the child and not get him dressed until 10 seconds before the picture is taken and then quickly undress him. But be advised... they are smart and have supplies ready to handle the unexpected.

Speaking of poop, up until this point all things poop has been a private matter. But as soon as you have a baby it becomes an open topic of conversation. How many times your child does or doesn't poop, the color of it, the smell of it.... yes, you'll go there. And.... you'll be amazed that you will be able to smell your kid from across the room, you'll be able to pick him out from a dozen kids, and know exactly how much he pooped. And when you are having an off day you won't think twice about picking your kid up to smell his butt. {and we always talk about how gross dogs are for smelling butts.... } And then in the toddler years you will celebrating when the little one poops in the toilet. Phone calls will be made, Facebook statuses will be updated. Poop is now a part of your daily life.

Never say "I will never".... You'll eat those words so fast. You say 'I will never let the baby fall asleep in my arms' next think you know you are out on the couch with the baby on your chest while both of you are sleeping because this is how anyone in the house will ever have a chance to sleep again {see reason above for not sleeping} You say 'I will never put a leash on my child' and you will end up with a wandering child that is like Houdini when it comes to escaping.... remember they are their own person. You say 'I will never'... the baby will help you change that.

This is a wonderful time! Babies are awesome!! Except for when they aren't. Don't feel bad if you have a bad day. It's ok to hand the baby off to someone else and go for a walk or take a shower or even have sex with your husband. I'm serious. I had a friend call me and ask me to take her baby for a while because she just needed to be with her husband without feeling guilty that the baby was being unattended in the next room. They cry and sometimes that's all they do for no reason. It will pass... I promise you that you will not send your sweet child off to college still crying for no reason.

Please.... Please.... have realistic expectations for yourself. TV mom are not real, Celebrity moms have help. You are a real person. If all you accomplish today is to brush your teeth celebrate that! The next day..... or month will be better. The mom that you see who seems to have it all put together... Yeah, the truth is she hasn't showered in 4 days and after she got in the car realized that she wasn't wearing shoes. Don't compare yourself with anyone. Babies should bring joy... sometimes they won't... it's true... but comparing yourself to someone else will will NEVER bring joy.

As a mom of 5... soon to be 6 kids the "experts" know nothing.... these are the real things about babies!!

{Tell me what would you add to this list??}