Steve was gone over the weekend and I was thinking about he and I. I was thinking of how we became "us"
I had a boyfriend in high school... he liked me, but I never stopped to ask myself if I liked him back. I think I liked the idea of having a boyfriend, and feeling like I was all grown up. I liked that I felt important to someone, but did I love him? I said those words thinking I knew what love was. I was young and I like the idea of what love was.
After high school I dated and had a couple of boyfriends for short periods of time. And each time they liked me and I liked that. I thought I felt something toward these guys but I think I liked the idea of being important to someone. It was cheapen when I let my guard down to please them. Thinking that maybe if I did what they wanted then I would feel for them what I thought they truly felt for me. I was left with regret and a torn spirit with each one.
When I met Steve things were different. I knew he was a good man and he treated me well. I was in a time in my life where I felt like I was ready to get married. It was a box to check off on my life's 'to do' list. I don't believe in soul mates and knew that with dedication and hard work that I could make my marriage to any man work.
Six months after we met we were married in the Mt. Timpanogas Temple for time and all eternity.
The first year that we were married was a hard one. We both came from broken homes and knew that divorce was the way out. Neither of us said it, but we both thought about it.
I'm not sure what kept us together, maybe it was a chance to over come the statistics of divorce, maybe it was the bind of the temple marriage, but I think it was because neither of us wanted to fail. We didn't want to hear anyone say "I told you so".
Through that time I learned to love the man that I married. I felt like I loved him when we got married and I said those words but I don't know if I truly knew what they meant. He treated me well and was respectful to me. He was gentle and had a way of calming me down when I started to get angry. He loved me through my imperfections... and there are a lot of them.
And in turn I started to know what he needed. I changed what I was doing as best as I could to please him. Not because he wanted me too, but because I wanted to. I wanted to be better for him. I wanted to be a better person for him. I wanted him to know that no matter what he had someone in his corner that was always cheering him on, that always was on his side and that I would be there through the hard time as well as the good.
In the beginning the surface of our marriage look great. Everything was harder than I thought it was going to be and I had a break down when Steve was in boot camp. I wondered if I would still love him. He had been gone for 6 weeks. Before he left we found out I was pregnant, I wasn't sure if I was ready to have a baby, but here is was. A couple weeks after he left I had a miscarriage that left me so hurt and so confused. All I wanted was Steve to tell me it was going to be alright, and he wasn't there. I felt so alone.
We had a wonderful two and a half years together when Steve was in language training. It was hard to share him with the military but we made it work. We really learned to work together as a team. Being away from the familiar was good for us. We had to rely on each other.
Steve did his training and then was deployed. The last load of laundry that I did with his clothes in it made me cry. Picking up the last of his things and put them away for a year made me sad. I loved this man and now he was a half a world away from me. During his training that he had done we had become so close and I missed his presents. I missed my best friend.
While he was away I learned so much about myself. I learned a lot about us. We were able to function as a unit even though he was far away.
Those years have gone by so fast.
I now sit here every night and am truly in awe that we made it through all that we did. I love him so much and miss him when he is not around. I like the feeling of being in love but even more I love knowing that I love him back.