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Monday, January 14, 2013

And now I wait...

Today I am 40 weeks pregnant with our little one. Nothing is happening, and I'm sure the day will pass just like the others have.

I feel ok about this and even glad.

I was thinking back to before I got pregnant with James. I wanted a baby, but really only because I knew it was time for us to start a family. And looking back at how fast Tommy and Tim came right after it was wisdom and the Lord's timing that we had all three boys so closely together.

When Steve came home from Afghanistan he told me that he felt like we needed to have another baby. I was a little apprehensive because it had been a while since I was pregnant, and I was really scared to have another NICU baby. I had also passed on all of my baby stuff, and we were getting ready to move across the USA for Steve to start Chiropractic school. I was happy with 3, very content and things worked well. After praying about it myself I knew that Steve was right and we needed to have another, and I knew it was going to be a boy.

After Benji was born... via C-section.... my body didn't heal like I wanted it too, nor as quickly as I would have like.

Benji got older and I loved my time with my little B.

Then I started getting that feeling. It was a different feeling than I have had with all the rest. Like a missing almost. I had a feeling that I was missing some one. And a longing for someone. After pondering and praying about it I knew that we needed to have another baby. I was happy and content with the 4 that I had, but I knew that someone was missing from my arms.

I got pregnant again, and this time it was so different, I was so sick and I cried every day. Why??? I didn't understand why this was so different. Why couldn't I handle this morning sickness like I had all the rest. All the thoughts went through my head from it being twins to even a girl, but deep down inside I knew we were having another boy.

I welcomed the thought of another boy, and was glad.

I am so excited, scared, overwhelmed, happy, nervous and everything else about having this baby. I wonder if my body can do it. I wonder if I can do it.

I know I can.

This baby boy is meant for our family. He is meant for me. He is needed here. And I look forward to looking into his eyes. And I know that they will be eyes that I have seen before. I know that I am meant to be his mom, and I am excited to be able to have the calling to raise this new little boy.

I hope that he is longing for me as much as I am for him. I hope that he will be patient with me as I raise him.

I am thankful to be a woman. I feel so blessed to be able to bring children into this world. What a grand responsibility I have to bring children from heaven to earth. I really hadn't ever thought about it but I am the vessel to bring children from one side of the veil to the other.

 I feel like I have been nesting a lot, but nesting in more of a spiritual way than actually cleaning. I could have easily opted for another C-section, and called it good. {and if that were the case I would be holding my baby right now I am sure} But I have decided that I want to deliver naturally. I want to be in the moment when my baby is born. I want to feel the new life pass through me.

And I want to be the first one to hold this baby after he leaves heaven.

1 comment:

Tristan said...

Praying for you every day - I can't wait to see your little one via the blog! I, too, am working towards a vaginal after my C-section with Mason.

We have felt the way you describe things too in between two of our pregnancies - that someone was missing. It is such an odd feeling, counting, checking - nope, everyone is here, but still that feeling that someone is missing. I think Heavenly Father uses the Spirit to touch us when we're open, that being sensitive to those feelings and praying about what they mean for us matters.

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